today, my rapture's tainted

. / archives \ . * 1 * delusional

: : my sistahs of the net : :

. / a little into me \ .
Name: Courtney, Hisphere, or my personal favorite; hey, you, move.
Age: Thirteen
Birthday: December 2nd, 1989
Occupation: Homeschooled student
Height: 5'6"
Weight: I'm an effing cow.
Music: Rock, J-pop... Hell, truthfully, I'll listen to anything.

I'm me. Take me as I am, or you can fark off. I'm sick of putting on facades and acts, so here, I'm dropping it all. No charades. I'm thirteen, living in Washington, crushing on a guy that has no and never will have any romantic feelings for me, and although I feel my life sucks, it really doesn't. Say what you will.
--The almighty Courtney
(Friend to yaoi-lovers everywhere)

baleful solace: And she left. Perfect. GOD DAMNIT, what does she WANT from me? I'm SICK of not knowing what's going on, I'm SICK of not being with you guys, and I'm SICK of not being thrown any bones. She doesn't want to talk about it? FINE. But she'd better come around soon or I swear to GOD someone isn't going to like me in the morning.
cass: ::grin:: I like you anyway, hon. Seriously.
cass: You sound just like my pent up frustration. We tease her about a sensitive subject, so she freaks out. She needs to loosen up and recognize that she and Franco might have something going.
baleful solace: Somehow I think that that's not the only thing bugging her.
cass: Oh, of course it isn't.
cass: Her parents are getting divorced, her business is shot to hell, she's not getting paid ...
cass: She broods over how life is beating her down. She CAN'T be like us. She fears it.
cass: We're happy little mask girls who have to support her every move.
baleful solace: We have to be..
cass: Or we'd be like her, ne?
baleful solace: Yeah..
cass: She drowns in her own sorrow, and envies us because we have masks.
baleful solace: How can we not?
cass: I don't know.
baleful solace: I'm drowning too, and I have a fucking anchor strapped to my feet.
baleful solace: But I can't let that hold me back.
cass: I know, me too.
baleful solace: There are too many people who depend on my being Little Miss Sunshine.
cass: It's ... effing messed up.
baleful solace: That's an understatement.
cass: I was angry this morning, and my mother screamed at me about my ... attitude problem.
cass: I do have an attitude, though, she is right -- I just wish it didn't pop up every morning.
cass: .. Look at the layouts Sam makes, hon ... cass: They're like ... morbid. And I love the morbidity, but one of these days she has to make a happy one, right?
cass: My mother told me not to talk to her anymore this morning.
cass: Ever.
baleful solace: WHAT?!
cass: "She's making you sad, she's bringing you down, she's making you suicidal"
baleful solace: Fuck her. Excuse my language, but really. Fuck her..
cass: Sammy, or my mother?
cass: And hopefully not my mother. :/
baleful solace: Your mother.
baleful solace: Sam isn't telling you never to talk to her again.
baleful solace: That's like telling peanut butter never to come in contact with jelly again. c_c;
cass: I know.
cass: I just wish Sam could just ... be a sweeter peanut butter, is all. o_O
cass: So my mother would have nothing to worry about my being suicidal.
baleful solace: You're not, are you?
cass: .. I've had thoughts, but I'd never do it.
baleful solace: Why not? I'm not saying that as a 'do it' comment, but why wouldn't you, just out of curiosity?
cass: Because I fear the repercussions.
cass: Like you said, there's too many people here that depend on us.
baleful solace: Why can't life just stop effing people over for once?
baleful solace: She's back.
cass: Because then it would be boring.
cass: yeah ...
baleful solace: And how ironic is it that I don't start crying until she says sorry? God, who CONTROLS my tear ducts these days, man? I should give them a pay raise just to turn the faucets off, I swear.
cass: Wouldn't that increase production, though? ::pats::
baleful solace: no, if I withheld their pay, they'd go on strike and turn them on.
cass: Ah, true ... How much do you pay them?
baleful solace: Small parts of my soul, about 1/99th a week.
cass: Damn, hon! You're getting gypped. I pay mine 5.15 per hour, in red blood cells. No Christmas bonus.
baleful solace: Lmao.. Sam did something she's never done in her life with me before last night.. Compared me to you.. Was talking about starting a clique, asking me for ideas.. I'm paraphrasing.
Sam: Dude, Cass always has ideas; she's like, a fountain of them. She'd know what to make it of.
Me: .. I'm Courtney. Not Cass.
baleful solace: It hurt, y'know?..
cass: ... Aww ...
cass: ::hugs tightly:: ... You're not me.
cass: You're better.
baleful solace: You're wrong..
cass: Duh. I'm me. I'm never wrong.
baleful solace: There's a first time for everything.
cass: Not in this case.


~*~


baleful solace: We had an argument. She was jumping down my and Cass's throats, then she leaves without saying what's wrong and being cryptic, and now I'm venting to Cass.. I mean, what does she WANT from me? I can't stand being shut out from one of my best friends. Do you have ANY fucking idea how that FEELS? How I feel? Having to watch from the fucking sidelines and not being able to do anything? Knowing that at any second she could snap and do something like killing herself since she's been TALKING about it so damn much and I HATE that she won't say ANYTHING to me. What have I DONE, damnit? What's going on with her? That question's rhetoric, but.. God.. I just hate it.. I hate never being with them, and never knowing what's going on, and then basically being told to fuck off..


~*~


cass: Because I've had years of practice and training for it. I was JUST like you, only more weepy, when I was your age. ^^ You're smarter than mew, Court. WAAY smarter.
baleful solace: Brains don't count for anything in our society, and they don't count for anything in my age group.
cass: They do, and they will. They count for at least 100,000 more a year.
baleful solace: I don't want to wake up tomorrow.. I don't want to cry, I don't want to laugh, I don't want anything to be expected of me, I don't want to be an outcast and young and trapped in a body I don't want to be in and outspoken and scorned and depressed.. I don't want to wake up anymore.. I really don't.. I want people to stop hating me for who I am and stop liking me for who I'm not, I want people to just leave me alone and understand that I can't always be who I want them to be and that I can't always live up to and surpass their expectations because it's TOO MUCH WORK and why bother when I'll never amount to anything anyway and my friends aren't letting me in and I'm never being given in a break and I don't want to be ME anymore, which is ironic because the part I'm playing ISN'T me, I'm only reading from a script and I'm never able to tell who I am any more, and when I'm being myself and when I'm being someone people want me to be..
cass: ..............
cass: You ARE me.
cass: You're telling me what I told my mother this morning.
baleful solace: Birds of a feather..


~*~


I'm sorry.. Courtney's Rant Hour ran a little long this time.. Sam, I just.. I want a way in.. I'm so happy that you finally gave me a look at what's inside.. I want you to be happy.. I want Cass you be happy.. I want to be happy.. I don't want to wake up anymore.. It's starting to hurt too much.. I just want to be happy..


You know you love me,


-Me.

Yep.. It's that special time again.. So buckle up and ride the waves, people.
There's no way in fuck I'll ever lose Sam or Cass.. And I might have to, in the most direct way I have, because we might have to shut off our internet.. And damnit, I'm sick of having no money and just barely scraping by to survive. Why is everything so unfair? The rich people don't deserve their money, and the poor don't have any. It's just not fair at all.. I'm sick of everything.. I don't want to have to go, I really don't.. And I'm scared of everything collapsing in on itself all over again..

me: I just.. God damnit, I'm so sick of friends falling apart on me LEFT AND RIGHT. And I can't do a fucking thing about it. It's like, they get all depressed and I'm screaming and asking 'WHAT CAN I DO? GOD DAMNIT, I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU JUST TELL ME' and they can't and they never do and they just say I can't do ANYTHING and it tears me apart inside and sometimes I can't bear it and remember all the times I cut and how good it felt and how much tension it released and I just want to again and again so badly but I can't because I promised so many people and sometimes I just want to take the world on my shoulders and tell everyone 'ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! I'M BROKEN AND CRYING AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE AND ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!' and I want to see their faces when the Great Courtney finally breaks down and CRIES, Courtney who's always HAPPY, who's always SMILING, who's always cheering everyone UP, who's always ready to defend people and tell jokes, and watch as my mask crumples into dust and I'm standing there broken and weak and I just can't take it anymore.. then the whole Jeremy thing happens and I'm thinking 'God, if HE can't stand it, how can I?!' and I just don't know what to do and I feel to pathetic and lost..
cass: .....
cass: Hon ... I totally, and completely understand you.
cass: I want to scream like you do ...
me: And then to be told one of my best friends can't take it is like a death sentence because I don't know where to go, where to turn, and everything's blurry and muddled and abused and wrong..
me: How can you stand it, Cass?
me: How can you stand it?
cass: There's just so much shite we deal with every day...
cass: ... I don't know.
me: How can you just.. Not go insane from everything? I want to take away everyone's pain into myself, but I'm afraid that when I do I won't be able to take it anymore..
cass: ... I don't know, Court. I've always done this.
cass: I've always just been able to listen.
cass: I know what it is, I think ... You have to take one breath at a time.
me: I can't be happy and smiling forever.. I can't always pretend I'm alright.. But I'm an actress, and the show must go on, right? I can't stop, I can't take a break, they'd all eat me alive and I'd never be able to recover.. Some days, I'm so afraid I'll relapse, and just buckle under all the strain and the pressure; Courtney must get good grades, Courtney needs to get into college, Courtney needs to be nice to her brother, Courtney needs to do her best.. When my brother's my only outlet and he thinks I hate him and my best is never good enough and what if I can't get into college and what if my grades slip and everything spirals back down again? I couldn't take it again, I don't want to have to go back..
me: One breath at a time can often seem like far too much..
cass: This has been my life, Courtney. You're describing it, right down to my brother thinking I hate him.
cass: What I try to do is keep it all inside my head. Never face the issue. Ever. Never write it down, or even acknowledge that it exists.
cass: Which is why I never blog.
cass: If I never vent, or let out my feelings, I have dry eyes.
me: You can't bottle it up or it's going to explode..
cass: There are no feelings to let out. They all take the forms of migraines and ulcers.
cass: Take things one step at a time, Courtney.
cass: Deal with one problem at a time, as needed.
cass: It seems less intimidating that way.
cass: You'll be alright, kid. You'll be alright.
me: Why can't it all just leave me alone? Why can't I just wake up and laugh and pretend I was only dreaming? Everyone wonders why I'm so mature and worldly and have so much advice and I just want to hit everyone and yell YEAH, YOU TRY GOING THROUGH HELL AND PAIN SOME TIME AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT. I'm sick of being a whatever-year-old in a thirteen year old's body. I'm so sick of it..
me: It's never less intimidating..
cass: ... Yeah ... That's the hard part. Take it one step at a time, on one part of your mind at the time. Multitask your problems. Remember when we first met, and I told you I was just like you, except older?
cass: Shit, woman.
cass: You're describing what I thought when I was your age.
cass: Remain calm, and cool, and collected.
cass: Don't let your emotions get ahead of you.
cass: They'll use and abuse you.
me: Except I can't promise I'll live to BE your age.. I can't promise anything anymore. It's just too much; it's too overwhelming..
cass: I couldn't promise that, either.
cass: When I was your age, I mean.
cass: I'm surprised I've lived this long without pressing against the confines.
me: How did you live through it?
cass: It's like wires on my skin.
cass: I told myself "I have too much to live for." And kept myself calm.
cass: I don't laugh any more ... Or cry. I don't feel anything any more. It's a glass smile.
cass: But I laugh inwardly.
me: What do I have to live for? I'm not trying to be oh-poor-me-pity-me, but really. What do I have? Art? It's never good enough. Acting? What chance do I have that I'll go through with it? Singing? Doubtful. Writing? Writers are poor and lonely and miserable.
me: How can you not cry?
me: I have to laugh and smile to please others.
me: But I have to cry..
cass: I just ... I don't. I can't cry. There's no way. Don't live for those; those are material things. Live for your brother. Live for your future kids.
cass: Holy shite, Court!
cass: There's your problem!
cass: Please yourself first!
me: My brother thinks I hate him, and my family would get over me.
cass: Never, ever, EVER fake feelings for someone else. Tell your brother you love him, and give him space. Your family will still love you even if you aren't the center of attention.
me: We're almost broke and I can't figure out what to do, I'm so sick of having no money to do ANYTHING or have ANYTHING and always having to never ask for ANYTHING because I'd never get it anyway.
me: what's the point of pleasing myself when there's no way to do it?


You know you love me,

-Me.

Haven't posted here in a while.. So, here's a poem. Enjoy.

~*~


taste the tears of the suffering
gladly surrendered under uncivil moons
watched over by the damned in the wake of
eternity scratched upon blackboards
used and abused and forgotten and lost
call to me and I'll fade away
listen while I recall past tragedies and mourn
the lives of those who never deserved
to live.


scorn the likes of the humble
never caring about any but themselves
hiding it well enough but lost between
twilights hiding dusk in its grasp while
surrendering all past inhibitions and
mourning the souls cradled in fantasies
never leave me alone i couldn't bear it
again with the clanging noise
it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop
((make it stop))


walk the paths of the sinners
trodding upon their footsteps and
scorning the immediate future of those
who daren't look ahead in fear of
finding their dreams and hopes and
harmony destroyed in two hands which
grip the threads of time and rasp their last
wishes which won't effect anything anyone anywhere
away from this hell
get me out get me out get me out
((leave me here))


reveal the nightmares of the dreamless
never wishing to infringe on others' harmony
but managing to incinerate all who oppose
their lifeless armies which gather in thousands
all nameless faceless vanities assembled into
miseries and futilities and sovereignties
wisps of agile willows walking upon the wind
i want the truth now spun into your web of lies
i can't breathe let me breathe let me breathe


disrupt the lives of the listless
walking so pale upon the shadows amidst
daybreak and betrayals and mirrors
reflecting only that which the viewer wants to
see among the blind men and learn to
listen among the deaf folk while
speaking among the mutes defying all odds
a medical miracle which never existed and never will
severing ties already broken into fragments


let me see let me hear let me feel..


..just don't let me go..


.. you promised.

Ne, as always, my loyal fans, life herself is trying to fuck me over again. But I'm not about to let that happen; nope. I'M holding the reins this time. I just have to grin and bear it all, and it'll go away..

At least, that's what I keep telling myself to keep sane. But then again, sanity is overrated.

So.. On a lighter note.. A few days ago, I met my male counterpart. XDDD He's so like me, it isn't FUNNY. Both Erniebleu and Yopuchan -snuggliehs them both- agree. Bah.. Though I'll strangle the latter for.. Stuff.. -hugs her- Damn you, little do-gooding friend of mine.. How can I ever stay mad at you for long, eh? HOW?!... Argh. o_- Incorrigible..

On a darker note.. Yep, it's Courtney's Rant Hour.. Though I sincerely hope this won't take me an hour to do.. Just bear with me, alright? Oh, and if held accountable for any of the things I've said here, heads will roll, I promise you all.

I can't stand being called a liar. At all. Never have, don't currently, never will. It's comething I just don't tolerate at all. After reading countless books on how to detect liars and therefore how to lie successfully, when I DO lie, I'm normally never caught. I thank my dad for my superbulous acting skills. Bravo for me.

Anyway. Back to the point. When I tell someone something that may or may not be true, I'm either saying 'fuck off' or 'I don't want to talk about it', and in most cases, it's the latter. I just.. Can't stand being cornered, either. When I say I'm fine, it's my subconscious saying 'back off, damnit, I need ROOM, capice?' Sometimes I get a bit.. Uhm.. Well, out of line.. And most times I take responsibility for it.. But soemtimes I don't. And I get angry. Many times, without reason.

And another thing. The one thing in the ENTIRE WORLD that can set me off at the drop of a hat.. Hypocrisy. I can't stand it, nor can I stand hypocrites. Which is probably why I loathe myself, but hey, we all have faults. But anyway, that's not what I meant. I mean..

Take my father, for instance. Bipolar, yells often and *really* loudly, and is one of the biggest hypocrites to walk the face of the Earth. Take situation A.

Dad: Courtney, I want to know what you're thinking.
Me: Well.. I can't.. You'd yell at me.
Dad: -laughs- No I won't.
Me: -tells him-
Dad: -goes completely ballistic- COURTNEY, GOD DAMNIT, I TOLD YOU ____ AND ____ 100,000 TIMES! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
Me: YOU ASKED MY OPINION.
Dad: DON'T GIVE ME AN EXCUSE, GOD DAMNIT. WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
~~~~~~
(later on)
Dad: Courtney, I'm sorry.. But the books I've been reading say that all this yelling is just a side effect of my bipolarism..
Me: (internal voice) AND THAT'S NOT A FUCKING EXCUSE?! YOU'RE ALLOWED TO YELL AT ME AND CALL ME A LIAR AND CALL ME STUPID AND VERBALLY ABUSE ME AND YOU'RE ALLOWED TO USE EXCUSES, AND EVERYTHING'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING OKAY AGAIN? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? KYLE'S SELF-IMAGE IS FUCKED, HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO TURN OUT LIKE I AM, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU HYPOCRITIAL, IDIOTIC, UNFEELING SON OF A BITCH! GOD DAMNIT, I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING APOLOGY AT FACE VALUE AFTER YOU COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY SELF-ESTEEM AFTER THIRTEEN YEARS? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU AND ALL YOU REPRESENT, AND I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL, YOU GODDAMNED FUCKING BASTARD!
Me: (verbally) That's okay, dad. -laughs- Don't worry about it, I understand.
Him: Really?
Me: (internal voice) NO, IT'S NOT OKAY. I HATE YOU, AND I HATE HOW YOU YELL AT ME, AND TELL ME I'M NOT WORTH ANYTHING, AND THEN COME BACK AND APOLOGIZE AND EXPECT ME TO DROP WHAT I'M DOING, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE, AND TELL YOU IT'S ALL OKAY?! ONE DAY I'M GOING TO CRACK, YOU BASTARD. ONE DAY I'LL FINALLY GOING TO SNAP AND I HOPE YOU'RE THERE TO SEE IT, BECAUSE I'LL BREAK EVERY FUCKING BONE IN YOUR BODY YOU MISERABLE OLD MAN! YOU DON'T DESERVE MY MOTHER. YOU DON'T DESERVE KYLE AND I. WHEN WILL YOU TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND AND FINALLY GET A GLIMPSE OF REALITY? NEVER! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
Me: (verbally) -smiles reassuringly- Of course, dad.

~*~

It's like that so often.. I just want to cry, I want to scream, I want to take a pushpin and slice down my arm like I used to, I want to feel that high as the endorphins rush to my head, I want to be held and I want to cry on someone else's shoulder but no one is ever there and I need someone and god damnit they're never fucking there and I'm losing my fucking mind piece by piece and I need Sam and she's never there and I need her, god damnit.. I just want it all to go away.. Why can't it just.. Leave me alone..?...

You know you love me,

-Me.

So she calls today, and we talk, and she says her dad was kicked out, and we talk, and then, at the VERY end of the conversation-


"Hey Courtney, a few days ago I lost my virginity. Oh, someone's here, I have to go. Bye!"

Click.

So I sit on my doorstep, with the phone in my hands.. And of all things.. Start crying.. Thinking God damnit, you stupid bitch, why are you trying in every possible way to FUCK UP YOUR LIFE? You'd better hope I never see that boyfriend of yours next year because I will KICK HIS FUCKING ASS, how could he DO that to you, no, worse, how could you do that to YOURSELF?

I swear, she's FOURTEEN and is acting like she's EIGHT. For all I know, she could be 'developmentally disabled' or whatever the politically correct bullshit term for STUPID is, and DOES have the mentality of an eight year old.


So to cool off, I went outside and slammed the tetherball around a bit, then came inside to write a poem. This is what came of my anger.


~~

once upon a memory
shards of innocence fall through imaginary cracks
can you feel me burning?
I'd cry a thousand deaths for you
repay me or I'll scream
stained and ruptured along the seams
mortality is no match for thee
I want to take your neck in my hands
self-restraint only a figment of reality
among the deaf men all hear silence
upon a promise I flew into yesterday
you stupid bitch how could you be so
stupidly rambling amidst unyielding lies
the mirrors all point in three fantasies
if I follow the blood-stained road I'll reach tomorrow
her face a mask of serendipity
nursery rhymes cradle my torment
can you hear me shrieking?
your earthly ties are worth NOTHING to me
if I ever find you, you'll wish you were alive
I only want what's best for you, dearest
so come along, your grave's getting cold
one million sunrises and not one reached mourning
common sense is being murdered by mischief
as I watch in the shadows
I

slowly

fade

away

Well, I finally got the addy for the new SMC. It's good to be talking to my old friends again.. God, I've missed them so damn much...


But anyway. I can't really type when I'm being yelled at, I'm sick of my dad and his hypocritical ways, how he screams at me for making excuses, then yells at me and apologizes hours later, saying, 'It's because I'm bipolar.' Like THAT'S not a motherfucking EXCUSE? Oh, wait. Yes, I'd forgotten. He's my parent, and I'm his child, and as long as I'm living under his roof, he can treat me however the fuck he wants. You know what? He can take that fucking theory and shove it up his ass, because I am NOT buying it. Fuck his hypocrisy. Just fuck it all to hell, and once it's there, fuck it some more. I just don't care anymore. I really don't.


You know you love me, everyone.

How does he do it? How does he make me want to scream at him and cry and hug him all at the same time? He treats me like shit, makes valid arguments, and I'm too damned stubborn to admit that he's probably right. Another friendship fucked up. Way to go, me.


Note, I'm probably not gonna be making an entry here again for a while.

It's ninety fucking degrees outside. I'm in a bikini, which isn't helping even though it should, (hey, it's better than pants and a top,) I'm dehydrated, I have a migraine the size of Missouri, and I'm just generally feeling like shit. Life sucks, and so does this goddamned heat. I'm spraying myself with this squirt bottle thing enough as it is, and sitting in front of fans, and it's STILL not helping. WILL SOMEONE TURN DOWN THIS FUCKING HEAT, PLEASE? Or at least let me get a word in with God, his thermostat's thoroughly fucked and the repairman doesn't seem to be coming any time soon.


And damnit, why CAN'T I fit into my old shorts? FUCKING MEDICINE! Makes me gain, like, thirty pounds. I HATE it. God DAMNIT.


You know you love me.


P.S. Oh yes, and Samchan, I LOVE the layout, dear. ^_^ Bah, you spoil me.

eh...i'm sorry about the layout. ^.^; it turned out brown, but i was in a very *warm* mood, so...here it is. i hope you like it..after all, i did put quite a fair amount of work into it..

enjoy, dear. ^.^

--Samchan